When I was young I took everyone and everything for granted. I now am much more aware of all the people I owe and love and should look after and must be thankful for and am counted on by or am humbled enough to want to be there for anyone as so many got me through those tough years…the early years raising kids, the first marriage, the death of my grandma and my father, and many years later the divorce, the death of my mother and the juvenilization (definition: they ain’t sweet babies no mo’) of my sons.
But now I am overwhelmed by how there just isn’t enough time in the day to see to everyone…and no one wishes it more than me that I would devote every living second to the good of others. Yet, I don’t. I cram my love into wads and dump them on people all at once…then disappear…not to be heard from again till the next dumping takes place.
IN the meantime, I don’t do a whole lot that ain’t simple..and sometimes …just downright …selfish and wasteful. I say it is my bipolar. I hope to God I’m right. I hope I wouldn’t on purpose not to be utilizing these hours and minutes and days and seconds of this life …what is left of it…doing nothing when there is so much to do…without a true medical diagnosis as to why I am not doing that!
I remind myself of a man who once loved me, so they say. I see my heart as so full of love for the ones on my mind and in my heart. People would tell me the same about this man when they would meet me. They would be so honored to meet me, having already fell under his spell and believing the stories he told them with the charisma he did posess. They would always say, “that man LOVES you soooo much!” Yet, I knew it to be different.
Then …I don’t remember who spoke it first, but somewhere along the way the sentiment that…he probably did love me that whole bunches as he professed …just “deep down.” And my first response– and it has been my permanent response– to that sentiment…”Well, I wish he hated me deep down and just loved me on the surface. Because I can’t see or feel or fathom that which is deep down…but on the surface he acts like he hates me, he makes my life a living hell…so I’d rather just think he loves me rather than experience all that goes with not feeling loved.”
God forgive me and all my deep down love I am holding for people and not giving to them and not using on their behalf and not sharing with them. Help me to bring my deep down love brimming to the top and bubbling over…just as you make sure my cup runneth over…Lord…make me share that love while I still have life left to live.
(the author at 18-years-old…40 years ago!)